I'll Be Fine

Sunday night I had a sudden panic attack as I was laying down. Don't know where it came from. But as I was getting ready for bed, I got this sense of doom about my decision of joining the Sheriff Department. I kept thinking, "Oh God, they're gonna shank me, beat me, etc". I tossed for HOURS and couldn't shake the fear...to the point of feeling like I could have thrown up. I kept trying to tell myself that even if that stuff would happen, that TONIGHT I was safe and trying to SLEEP. Again, HOURS later, the exhaustion kicked in and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt tons better. And when I got into class, I was FULLY CONFIDENT. So damn, not sure what that crap was about, but it got the best of me!!! And I really needed my sleep~ Monday was painful being that tired!!!

BUT AS I SAID...I'm back to being confident. IN FACT...I was told by this woman that I'm going to be JUST FINE. There are 15-16 people in the class and she thinks only 5 of us are going to last. DAMN. There are some KIDS (22yrs) that talk too much; even talking OVER the instructor. Plus, they throw coarse language around like it's a nursery rhyme. Now mind you, I cuss. But I also know when to NOT cuss. I'm an adult, responsible and respectful. I'm still floored by how laid back everything is. I'm still use to going to attention when someone walks into the room; going to attention when passing someone in the hall, etc. But, I'm also 35. And I think I was raised right and in the generation of respecting your elders, teachers, etc.

I've got to study because we went through a practice oral test and there were things I was stumped on. Mind you, she was using "fill in the blank" and we're not going to have those. So those might be matching, T/F, whatever. So I might actually get those questions right. But today, I kinda didn't do so well. That being said, I might have done 70% and that's passing. But it was a class effort, so who knows.

NOW...speaking of these little bastards who talk too much. Before the test they were saying that whoever got an answer wrong had to do 20 push ups. These bitches (THEM, NOT ME) got us doing 300 push ups tomorrow morning. That's right...300 push ups. NOW!!! The teacher is dividing it up...so really we're each doing 21 push ups. But STILL....these people showing off about how many push ups they can do...were too freaking stupid to get the answers right. Save that push up crap for academy!!! These are the same people who are either going to wash~out or get KICKED out once we get put into the jails for that training. The rank isn't going to stand for their douchebagery in the jails. That, or they're going to get hurt by the inmates for trying to push their weight around. It's their machismo attitudes that are going to get them hurt.

Now, once the training is over, I probably won't be in the same tier with them. So I won't have to be bothered by them. I just have to watch my own behavior and do my job. I'm hoping I'll get a GOOD trainer who'll properly train me...and will have a GOOD ATTITUDE. I don't want any show offs or angry/bitter deputies ruining my experience and training. I will straight up call a supervisor and get moved!!!

But I TRUST that my trainer will be good. The instructor SPECULATED that I might be put in the female division, which is an open dorm. No matter; I'll do whatever they say. I think we're talking to the Major this week. I wonder if I can ask/request for an area. I don't even know where I'd wanna be put at this point. I'm thinking IPC because that's when the inmates come off the street and are probably crazy. That's action!!! We'll see.

Well, since it's late and I gotta wake up at 6am, I should end this. I'm excited and positive and ready to get going. I'm still waiting on my friend to come through for me and hook me up with his old handcuff pouch and a few tshirts. I'll have to text him maybe Thursday.