I'll Be Fine

Sunday night I had a sudden panic attack as I was laying down. Don't know where it came from. But as I was getting ready for bed, I got this sense of doom about my decision of joining the Sheriff Department. I kept thinking, "Oh God, they're gonna shank me, beat me, etc". I tossed for HOURS and couldn't shake the fear...to the point of feeling like I could have thrown up. I kept trying to tell myself that even if that stuff would happen, that TONIGHT I was safe and trying to SLEEP. Again, HOURS later, the exhaustion kicked in and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt tons better. And when I got into class, I was FULLY CONFIDENT. So damn, not sure what that crap was about, but it got the best of me!!! And I really needed my sleep~ Monday was painful being that tired!!!

BUT AS I SAID...I'm back to being confident. IN FACT...I was told by this woman that I'm going to be JUST FINE. There are 15-16 people in the class and she thinks only 5 of us are going to last. DAMN. There are some KIDS (22yrs) that talk too much; even talking OVER the instructor. Plus, they throw coarse language around like it's a nursery rhyme. Now mind you, I cuss. But I also know when to NOT cuss. I'm an adult, responsible and respectful. I'm still floored by how laid back everything is. I'm still use to going to attention when someone walks into the room; going to attention when passing someone in the hall, etc. But, I'm also 35. And I think I was raised right and in the generation of respecting your elders, teachers, etc.

I've got to study because we went through a practice oral test and there were things I was stumped on. Mind you, she was using "fill in the blank" and we're not going to have those. So those might be matching, T/F, whatever. So I might actually get those questions right. But today, I kinda didn't do so well. That being said, I might have done 70% and that's passing. But it was a class effort, so who knows.

NOW...speaking of these little bastards who talk too much. Before the test they were saying that whoever got an answer wrong had to do 20 push ups. These bitches (THEM, NOT ME) got us doing 300 push ups tomorrow morning. That's right...300 push ups. NOW!!! The teacher is dividing it up...so really we're each doing 21 push ups. But STILL....these people showing off about how many push ups they can do...were too freaking stupid to get the answers right. Save that push up crap for academy!!! These are the same people who are either going to wash~out or get KICKED out once we get put into the jails for that training. The rank isn't going to stand for their douchebagery in the jails. That, or they're going to get hurt by the inmates for trying to push their weight around. It's their machismo attitudes that are going to get them hurt.

Now, once the training is over, I probably won't be in the same tier with them. So I won't have to be bothered by them. I just have to watch my own behavior and do my job. I'm hoping I'll get a GOOD trainer who'll properly train me...and will have a GOOD ATTITUDE. I don't want any show offs or angry/bitter deputies ruining my experience and training. I will straight up call a supervisor and get moved!!!

But I TRUST that my trainer will be good. The instructor SPECULATED that I might be put in the female division, which is an open dorm. No matter; I'll do whatever they say. I think we're talking to the Major this week. I wonder if I can ask/request for an area. I don't even know where I'd wanna be put at this point. I'm thinking IPC because that's when the inmates come off the street and are probably crazy. That's action!!! We'll see.

Well, since it's late and I gotta wake up at 6am, I should end this. I'm excited and positive and ready to get going. I'm still waiting on my friend to come through for me and hook me up with his old handcuff pouch and a few tshirts. I'll have to text him maybe Thursday.

Week One of In~Service Complete

Much Different Than NOPD

Yesterday was boring because it was CPR AND Homeland Security. Each class was HOURS long and we only got 2 10 minute breaks and a 1hr lunch. Now, our Intstuctor has every right to give us the same, so there's nothing you can say. Although one of the guys said, "he's suppose to give us an hour and a half". I looked at him and said, "No. He doesn't. He doesn't have to give us anything".

I can tell that for attitudes, there are going to be at least 2 GUYS who are going to have it rough. They aren't listening to the Instructor. There are several issues they've argued about and wouldn't accept her answer. That's going to get them in trouble once they get on the tiers.

I've changed my mindset from this class. I thought I was going to be able to do certain things. Now, after listening to our Instructor, I don't WANT to act certain ways. I sure as hell don't wanna be shanked because of stupidity. And it'll happen. I HAS happened. Not me.

I'm definitely NOT saying it'll never happen. The inmates will push me; maybe even attack me. But I don't want it to be because I screwed them over. I don't want to provoke them.

But I digress.

I'm torn between feeling confident to scared about this job. The Captain said you HAVE to have some fear, lest you get lazy or over~confident and stupid. I mean, I have to realize where I'm going. I'm going into a world where EVERYONE is a criminal; some of them murderers! But I have to realize that if I do my job, then I should be alright.

I heard that we'll first be put with a trainer when we get on the tier. I don't know how long the trainer will be with me; I'm hoping at least a week. But they're so short that I could end up ALONE on a tier. That'll just keep me on my toes. Can't get lazy. My fear will help me stay diligent and follow every letter of the rules.

I have also heard that lots of deputies never have an event. That the inmates for the most part behave or at least NOT attack the deputies. It's typically inmate vs. inmate.

I'm excited. I wonder how my first day on the tier will go.

Before that, I still have an entire week with our Instructor in the class. Then, we are taken by SOD for more training.

BIG DEEP BREATH...oh gawd, I've really done it this time...

Michael Jackson Died Today...Age 50

While at the company BBQ, watching people play volleyball, a rumor came up that Michael Jackson was dead. One of the women playing ball picked up her cell phone. She got a look on her face and said, "Don't say that!" Then she turns to her friend and says, "She's saying Michael Jackson died!" She goes back to the phone and then tell hers friend they're saying it's a heart attack. The woman walks away and the game ends.

The crazy thing was as soon as she said that and walked away, a bunch of people got on their cell phones and blackberries to call people or get online to confirm the rumor. I even tried to call 2 people...neither answered the phone.

Finally, when I was a few blocks from home, Dedra called back saying she was watching the breaking news. The news was not confirming his death yet, but that he was in the hospital.

By the time I got home, all the news channels WERE confirming that Michael Jackson died of Cardiac Arrest at the age of 50.

What can I say that everyone hasn't already said? Hasn't everyone my age grown up with the posters on the wall, the music, videos? I was watching Sheppard Smith & he was reminiscing about watching the debut of Thriller. Oh man! I remember that, too!!! I was living in Corona California with my mom and we were glued to the television. It was an EVENT, not just a special. I was a fanatic, really. Any pic or article went on my wall. I bought his autobiography AND MOONWALKER...his movie. I, infact, had RESERVED my copy before it even came out!

Now, over the past 15 years, there have been upsetting trials and rumors. Let's remember that he was found NOT guilty. I think people wanted to believe he was guilty. Yeah, he was getting weird. But if you really look at his childhood and his father's treatment of the entire family...he was damaged.

Gawd, I think I have to come back later to add on...I'm too tired from work!!

3rd Day of In~Service

We've been going through our handbook and filling in the blanks. The test sounds easy! I mean, multiple choice, T/F...come on! The Captain spoke to us this morning & he is AWESOME!!! Way laid back and no BS.

There's a chance that we'll do "part time" Academy in August. That means we'll spend half the day in the jails like normal & then leave and go to Academy the rest of the day. That means Academy will last for more weeks, but it's only a few hours a day. I think I can totally do that. Plus, Academy will be full of written tests.

Tomorrow is the company picnic. I'm excited because it's a great way to meet people and...free food!!! Oh yeah. And we don't even have to wear the uniform.

I am tired and can't really organize my thoughts. So I'll go now

1st Day of In~Service

I'm floored by how LAID BACK/relaxed it was. We're getting spoiled because we had at least 3 "15min" breaks AND an hour and 1/2 lunch. WHOA...it's NOT going to be like that in the jail. In fact, there might be crazy days that we either can only scarf or NOT get a break at all. It's cool. I'm expecting it. And if it's that busy/crazy, then it *almost* has to mean that the day will fly by.

We thought the 1st step of in~service would be 3 weeks. It's sounding like it's going to be more like only 2. That's fine. All I care about is that Academy is AT LEAST another 6 months away. I'm hoping, because I'm DESPERATE for TIME so I can get in shape. I gotta do so many push ups, running, sit ups. I can't do any of that right now. I MUST get a physical to #1: use the gym #2: get my disability & #3: get into academy. Another reason I need 6 months. How do I schedule that stuff when I'm working all day?

Another 2 things about the first 90hrs: #1: HANDCUFFS NEXT WEEK!!!! We're getting trained in that! #2: PEPPER SPRAY!!!! We MIGHT get sprayed before we get into the jail. OMG THE PAIN!!!!

Wouldn't it be nice if I started off on NIGHTS in the jail? That would free me up to go to the clinic for the physical.

I NEED a pair of cuffs and a maglite~ and the holders for them. It'd be lovely if a FRIIIIEND would loan me something like this until I get paid. I mean, I get paid on the 3rd. It's literally a day late & a dollar short. Maybe I can get a payday loan??? I'll attempt that. It'll have to be AFTER work on day. We get off @ 4pm and I get home BEFORE 4:30. I've got 2hrs to get to ACE. I digress because this is rambling...

12 hour days. I'll have to get use to that real quick. But I think I'm capable of that as long as the days are interesting. I feel secure with how I'll handle the inmates. Just write 'em up everytime they try to get out of hand.

Before I say too much, I'll end this. I'll be hitting the sack around 10pm. Kinda tired

Orientation

Today was a few hours of paperwork and some explaination of what to expect in the next 3 weeks. GAWD I'M EXCITED! The benefits are astounding. Not surprising, jobs that have risk will have good compensation. I just get new glasses for Xmas!!! (uuummm, hopefully sooner)

Monday begins the 90hr In~Service. Then we hit the jail for who knows how long. I'm not asking why or when. Right now, I have to focus on NOW. Pay attention, study, practice, etc.

If I'm understanding correctly, we're going to get pepper sprayed during this time. HOLY CRAP! I thought we'd wait til Academy. But, we might have to spray someone while we're in the jails, so I guess we might as well get that out of the way. Look out for pics because I think that'll be worth a myspace default pic. LOL

I really feel like there will be a lot of opportunities with the sheriff department. I'm ready because I think I can shine in this situation.

Soooo As I was Saying...

Hindsight regarding NOPD Academy...

I'm not going to let my shape stress keep me down. I realized too late that they were NOT going to get rid of me because I couldn't do push ups. In fact, if I had stuck with it, I probably could have managed to do at least 1 good push up, come graduation.

THUS, if I'm the slowest or can't do push ups, I won't stress. Just do what I can and let it roll off my back. Each day is a new day. Don't keep myself awake at night stressing about what I failed at that day. At the end of the training, it'll be the other things they use to graduate me or not. I have to study, be obedient & positive and give it my all. Gusto: that's what I need. When they say "tackle", TACKLE!!! That kinda stuff. There's only 18 people in In~Service & only 2 girls. I've got a chance to SHINE.

Okay, I guess I'll go now. I'll no doubt have stuff to share Monday night. Damn, I've somehow underlined this without selecting it...nor do I know how to DE~select it.

whatever

Not Much To Say

In a few minutes, I'll get dressed & meet up with Thomas for his break.

This morning, I went to Lock~Up to get fingerprinted and my pic ID. GAWD, the pic was awful because I had a ponytail. I always look BALD because my tail was low and you can't see hair. Plus for some reason, my head looks small compared to my shoulders. So I kinda look weird. Not "kinda"..."quite". Oh well, I hear we're going to get new ones at each step of training.

I think there were 8 people today. I was the only female. In fact, I heard that out of 16 recruits, only 2 of us are girls. Just 2 girls.

I am going to take my hindsight of NOPD's academy...WHOA!!! apparently Thomas is already coming down...So I'll stop now and pick up later tonight.

As I Was Saying

This is the last week with the Public Safety Rangers. In fact, I'm only working Wed & Friday nights. While I don't want to leave Sam in a lurch, I'm glad to move on. I'm going to use the weekend to relax and work on my sleep patterns. Also, I really should drink a ton of water.

I've got 3 weeks of in~service CLASSROOM time. 3 weeks to attempt JOGGING and getting more into those push ups I've been trying. After the 3 weeks, we get put into the jail for UP TO a year. I've heard, however, that it'll be more like 6 months. THEEEENNNN...they put us in ACADEMY.

I'm not going to let the physical aspect freak me out. I feel confident that I'll definitely last longer than one freakin week. In fact, I suspect I'll last all through in~service. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll graduate Academy. Seriously, I've GOT to graduate academy.

I can't wait to get into a new uniform!!! My goal is to be SEXY in the final deputy uniform. I wanna work it and make some great new myspace pics. Oh, and I also wanna be good at law enforcement. Yeah...and pics.

Right now I'm watching Family Guy & it's got me laughin LOUD, even though I've seen this episode at least twice before.

I've got a bit of a house guest these days. My friend *name withheld* is kinda...well...homeless, frankly. He's looking for a place, but cash is super tight. I'd like to think being charitable will pay off somehow. And I hope he finds a place of his own...QUICK!!!!

I guess that's it for now. I'll use this blog to cry about the pain of in~service. Feel free to laugh all you want.

Got Hired By Sheriff Department

Today I got accepted into the Orleans Parish Criminal Sheriff Department. In~Service starts Monday & I'm excited to learn new things & challenge myself.

I sure hope I make it this time. I'm not going to stress about the future. It's all about attitude and I'm going to keep it positive.

Well, I just realized I gotta get to work. But I'll write more later...

3:15am

Yep. Still wide awake & got a few more ideas rolling around.

Let me back up to something from the previous blog. We're going to miss Andy. He was a fabulous employee. Smart, did what he was asked, had initiative, FUN, etc...So we're definitely going to suffer a loss. Damn. I had great conversations with him! Oh well. We can't be selfish and hold him back. We'll hopefully see him again...and next time, he'll be in BLUE! YAY ANDY!!!

Donnie's been seen driving around & I feel soooo proud of him!!! Don't know why I fee like, "my baby's made it"...cuz he's not my baby; or even younger than me. But I just feel all motherly about this. Which is sick, considering what happened during the ranger rituals. DIGRESSING SOME MORE

I forgot to mention earlier that with my paycheck, I "hid" $$$ from myself so i wouldn't carelessly spend it. And yes, I put a reminder in my phone. It'll give me an alarm in a few days telling me where I put it. Cuz LAWD forbid I forget. So that's good; rationing my cash so I don't end up as flat fucking broke as I just did. I swear, it was LITERALLY painful. And sometimes I allow pride to keep me from asking for help. Sam even offered to give me some cash the other day and I declined. Even though I really needed it. I didn't want to take $$ out of his pocket. In hindsight, I wish I had. But that's all said & done. More importantly, I have to make sure I don't allow myself to get that broke. I can't recall where it even went! How irresponsible is that?!

I've been thinking lately that I should make some jewelry. I seperately some pieces that need to be re~worked. Either I didn't like them or there's a flaw. But those pieces are just collecting dust, so I might has well give them new life.

Do you remember when I donated some jewelry to the auction for Sams friends memorial? Well I found out today that Sams 2 friends were the ones who won them!!! Sam didn't even know because he was in the background of the event. That's cool!!!! Wow.

Let's see...what else was there???

I need a good sports bra. Yeah, almost TMI. But not terribly. But if I'm going to start trying to jog, I need to strap the girls in. Right now, Aqua Teen Hunger Force is on. It's a repeat from earlier. But hey, I don't even really care because it's just backgroung noise.

I think this blog is done. I keep hitting those damned mystery buttons again.

It's After 2am.

WOW. Wouldn't you know it. I was writing a very long & almost complete blog. Then I hit one of those fucking mystery keys on this TINY AS FUCK laptop and EVERYTHING DELETED. And I can't "undo". Son of a bitch. So let me try to start again....SIIIIIIGH.....

I'm on some um..."candy"...so my brain is sort of not all here. Which is fine; I just hope I can remember what the hell I was talking about! And damn...that was shaping up to be a great blog. Fucking TINY keyboard!!!!!

Digressing...breathing...

TODAY WAS PAYDAY...Hallelujah and all that! MEAT IS GOOD. If I even SEE another grain of rice, I'll cut something. (Yeah. I think that's how it started).

I celebrated having $$$ by buying groceries that'll last I'm guessing at least 4 days. Maybe 5-6??? Enough for me and Sam to nosh. I like to share although he doesn't always eat it. I wonder if he doesn't like my cooking??? Anyways. So all the food I bought only cost $40. Definitely far less than eating out. (hehehehe...I said "eating out")

I also paid the light bill, paid back Danielle AND gave her $$$ for the Red Dress Run.

SOOOOOO....ANDY was called by NOPD to start academy MONDAY. The class has already started, but they lost 5 people and are apparently desperate to keep the #s up. So he's being squeezed in there. Well, at least he didn't have to deal with Hell Week. Not sure if that's going to end up being good or bad.

That has Thomas going WTF, since he actually applied BEFORE Andy. So, is Thomas going to get a last minute call to come Monday or the next week? Or will he have to wait til November? Personally, I think he might want to wait til November. I mean, who wants to be 3 weeks behind in academy?! Shit, I wouldn't.

BUT ALSO...Thomas was called by the Sheriff Department about a week ago because their freeze lifted. Well gee, where was MY call? I applied before he did. So I had my own WTF. I called them and they said to come in this Monday. Okay!!! Guess I just had to grease the wheel? Or however that analogy goes. So um, this just occured to me...why is that words ROOT word "anal"???? I don't wanna know. MOVING ON!!!

SOOOO what will this mean for me? The rumor is that the Sheriffs next class is June 22nd. That's like 2 WEEKS from now. Will I finish all my testing in time? Will I be accepted at all? And then there's this...

I just got started with the pirates & hashers. And I'm REGISTERED for the Red Dress Run in August. How will being in class interfere with this??? I'm not ready to give up hashing. There's potential sex to be had there! Um. I mean, it's a great social group that will assist in my exercise and such. And sex. DIGRESSING...

But I won't knock it. If I'm offered a job with the Sheriff Department, I have to take it. It's a STATE commission. It can lead to bigger things. I'd be a fool to pass it up. If I hate it, I can always quit...and I always have a job with the rangers. In fact, when my boss heard me say there's a new class coming up in 2 weeks, his response was...."FUCK"!!!!! (and loud, too)...So I think I'd be welcomed back if necessary. I have to at least TRY to get through the sheriffs "in service".

Well...before I hit another mystery button and lose all of this, I better end this. I think I have one last thing to write, but that's the part that screwed up the last one. So I'll make it a new blog.

OUT!!!

Waiting For Payday

Danielle says she thinks this weeks hash is going to be a pain with lots of shiggy. So she says it's probably a GOOD thing that I'm not going. Sounds good to me. I'm not in shape enough for shiggy. Also, apparently this particular hare gets people lost. So eh.

I ran into my stalker while at Wednesday @ the Square tonight. NOT COOL. This dude always seems to find me. He's extra creepy. Someone I'm actually kind of...scared of. But I digress. I just hope I'm never alone when he sees me. It'll be fighting time!!!

OMG I can NOT wait til Friday. I'm beyond ready to get paid!!! I've got to try and "hide" some $$$ from myself so it'll last longer. Also going to have a "hash jar" so I'll be able to attend ALL the hashes.

I can't wait to get registered for the Red Dress. Now, I'll have to get in better shape and find a red dress.

I will attempt to get to bed kinda early tonight. Not sure how successful I'll be.

Anyways...night

Is This Thing On???

Insomnia Strikes Again

What's a girl gotta do to get some DEEP SLEEP?!!!?!!!

Yeah sure, I did down like a huge mug of coffee, but that's besides the point. I SAID THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!!!!!

So leave it to me to not have enough money for this weeks hash. I mean, $5.50 is more than I can afford. Nice, huh??? Yeah, I don't have LESS than $6. It's hilarious; payday is Friday. A day late & a dollar short. LITERALLY.

Which sucks for a few reasons. #1: I'm that fuckin broke. #2: This would be my 3rd hash in a row, getting me that much closer to that drinking vessel I want. #3: The theme is FAIRIES...HOLY CRAP!!!!!

Sigh. I've decided that I'll make a hash jar and put $20 in there each payday. That will supply me with 3 weeks of hash dough. Thus, money won't be a reason for me to miss out. I have a hash shirt, so costume will NEVER be a reason. Not to mention that few people have costumed the last 2 times. I digress.

But ya know, it's alright. For one, this hash is suppose to possibly have "shiggy". That's like obstacles and shit. Like going through ponds/lakes or through bushes or over walls. Fuck shiggy. For now. When I get in better shape, shiggy will be okay. But not yet. For two, it might also RAIN and I don't know if I'll be in the mood for running in the rain. Listen to me: "running". Yeah right, LOLOLOLOL

BUT...silver lining time!!!...Friday IS payday and I've got damned~near 80hrs. So I'm giving Danielle $$ so she can put my Red Dress registration on her card. Monday will include buying a sports bra and possibly compression shorts. Red ones if I find them (for the red dress). I feel like there's something I'm forgetting, but oh well.

Ya know, it's almost 2am and I'm just sitting here watching Family Guy, wishing I was tired. I'm not. It's okay, KINDA, because I'm not due at work until 5pm. But still. Dammit.

Just two long~ass days til payday. I hate when I get this broke. Freaking RENT. If only I could find a way to budget. But no...

The Pirates are having a picnic on a Saturday and because of work, I can't go. For the Red Dress, I've already marked myself off the calendar. It's 2 months away. There's gotta be someone who'll take my place. I mean, come on!!!

Ya know? I don't really have anything talk about. So I should go. Alright. NIGHT